Angel
Just one touch. I just needed to touch it once. Now that I was so close to it I could hear whispers. I didn’t know those voices but they tried to say me something. I wanted to understand it but they were speaking very fast and mixed up.
Then I moved closer to the portal. I had to try it. I ran in the portal with a little jump. When I was in the air I could hear the voices clear now. They spoke all together. They warned me. Go back. It is not your time. But it was already too late. I felt an unbelievable pain in my shoulder were I touched the portal. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. It felt as if I was burning on my whole body and this took my breath. I was spined back. I didn’t know that I could still feel pain but when I reached the ground of the darkness it felt like a physical pain. It was different than the touch of the portal which was hurting the inside of me. This time it felt nearly as if I had a body. Then I suddenly lost any light. For a moment I thought that I would become the darkness now but then I realised that I passed out. I didn’t know how this was possible but I welcomed this kind of darkness.
However, I thought I would have more time of not thinking. Being forced to think the whole time was hard. Being unconscious felt like a needed pause for me.
“Angel? Wake up. Please. Your light will go out when you don’t stand up. Come on.”
Who was that again? It was a man and he sounded … kind of worried …
I opened my eyes and found myself at the end of the stairs to the portal. The deaths helper stood right in front of me.
With a heavy sigh I stood up and looked sad at him. Why? Why was this happening? I couldn’t do this any longer. I just couldn’t.
“Why couldn’t I just go through that plum portal? Do you understand to be a prisoner? That there is no way out?”
“Believe me, I know how this feels.”
At this I had to think of his situation. How did someone became a deaths helper? Was it something you were born into or was it different? Did he search for a way to escape himself? And was he even dead? I wasn’t sure if he was or not … He seemed much more alive than me. Did that mean that he had a life once? Had he lied to me that he hadn’t a name? Was it forbidden to tell me it or had he may forgotten it … ? Then he continued to speak.
“I guess I know that it wouldn’t work for you to go through the portal but I guess you wouldn’t have wanted to hear it.”
He was right. I wouldn’t have listened to him if I could have a chance to get out here.
“What … what should I do now? The darkness pulls me into it. I lose my hope, my memories … I lose everything that makes me to the person I was once. I can’t stay here or I give up. I can’t go up again … I am just scared. There is no other feeling anymore. How should I go through this? How can I not give myself up?”
I didn’t want to hear an answer from him. I even didn’t wanted to look at him. I wanted to give up now. It was too hard. Too hopeless … too senseless … What would it change if I was gone forever? Who would miss me? I was already dead. What difference was it if I was at the next step or gone forever?
I let my head hang down. I wanted to cry or scream or do something a living human would do.
“Hey, look at me okay?”
I didn’t do as he told me. Why should I? He couldn’t help me either. I closed my eyes.
“Please, open your eyes again.”
I didn’t do what he said. I was lost.
Then I felt something strange … Something that couldn’t be. I felt a touch on my arm. It felt warm and calming. Somehow it even felt familiar. It was strange. Whenever I had been up in the living world since I died I couldn’t feel anything. I could move objects but I couldn’t feel them in my hands. But this touch … this I could feel …
I opened my eyes to look at the deaths helper and the warm feeling his touch gave me got stronger.
“Are you listening now to me?”
I just nodded unable to say a word. I didn’t want him to stop holding me. I feared I would loose myself again without his touch. I didn’t want to loose the feeling that felt a bit like being alive.
“We will make a deal, okay?”
“What kind of deal?”
“You will go up to the living world again. You don’t have to go every night but at least once a week. You can wait until you think that everybody sleeps but you have to go there again or you will be at this point again where you are now.”
I felt his second hand on my arm and I knew he tried to look into my eyes.
“What else?”
I asked with not more than a whisper.
“You will try to enjoy every single little good thing that happens to you. You will smile again.”
I was not sure if he said the following but I thought it or was I imagining things?
“You will sing again.” No that was just my imagination, right?
“For that I will try everything to find a way to help you. Whenever you will need me I will be here for you. I will bring you back as long as I see a chance for you to be more than a part of the darkness. I won’t let such a pure soul disappear.”
He would be the light in this darkness for me. He wanted to help me. I knew he would keep his word and so I decided to do what he wanted from me. I wouldn’t give up if that meant to upset him somehow. Maybe I was still needed and he was right. Everything that happens had a meaning. This would have a meaning in the end and I would understand it one day.
“Okay. I will do it.”
For a moment I could swear that I saw a smile on his lips.
“But …”
“But what?”
“But I want a name for you. Something I can call you. Something different than the deaths helper.”
“I am sorry but I can’t help you there. I had once a name but it is a long time ago and I can’t remember it anymore …”
“Then allow me to give you one. You bring me back to the light whenever I lose it. You are a real light in this darkness. You make me feel better and less lost. Is Lumen okay for you? It fits I guess …”
He didn’t answer me. Instead he looked directly at me and the shadow around his eyes got less dark. I starred into his red eyes which looked like those of cat. They shone in the darkness and reflected the light of the portal. He was smiling. His eyes told me that. Lumen softly put his hands away from my arms and stepped back then. Before I could say him to wait the darkness let him disappear. He may have left the darkness now but I could still see his eyes in front of me. His touch on my arms kept me warm.
Then I felt suddenly the pull again. It was time to leave the darkness again. I would hold my part of the deal.
Angel in the Darkness 